Time is running out - Mille giorni di te e di me
by StoriaVera
Summary: This is my story. The english title is inspired by a famous song (by Muse), while the titles of each chapter are all lyrics to various songs. This story is about life, mine in particular. I'm sorry to disappoint those who wanted to read fan fiction, because this is just a diary after all. Hopefully you could learn from my mistakes, or drag some joy out of this. Either way, enjoy.
1. How did it come to this? - I

-Just a disclaimer that I couldn't include in my summary-

Hi, my name is **Chiara** , this is **my real name** and you're going to read **my real story**.

I'm about to tell the events that deeply affected me in the last year or so of my life.

I've started writing this _online_ _diary_ on August second, 2016, because I can't keep this to myself only anymore.

I live in Italy and I am now 19 years old.

Please note that the only real **first** names I use in the narration are **two,** mine and another one that I'm going to introduce in its own chapter, so for privacy purposes every surname and name other than these two is going to be **fictional.**

 **Hope you guys enjoy,** hopefully there's something I lived that might help you in your lives as well.

The story begins on September fourth, 2015.

—

This year the first day of school was going to be on September fourth and it was unusually soon compared to the other years. Moreover, it was two days before my eighteenth birthday, the day in which I would have finally been able to drive a car, legally buy cigarettes and be responsible for whatever damage I could cause to me or others, but most of all, the day in which I would have finally achieved my freedom.

I woke up feeling less tired than usual and I quickly went towards the window in my room to open it.

An incredibly warm gust of wind hit my face from outside and I couldn't seem to accept that condition for the first day of school that I always keep in my imaginary as rainy, cloudy and grey. Instead, I found myself facing a shiny sun, the bluest sky and, basically, the classic Italian summer temperature, so I sat on my window sill, with my legs waving in the air and I stayed there watching the sunrise for a minute, then, the sudden realization of being late hit me like a stone and I sunk back into reality.

I headed to the bathroom and had a nice, cold shower; when I came out I was finally fully awake and ready to have breakfast. My parents were already sitting around the table, as usual, and so I took my mug, filled it with milk and coffee and grabbed some dried oats to eat. While I was happily feasting, my mom started talking:

 _"_ _You look like you… are… a natural disaster. What are you gonna wear today?"_

 _"_ _Oh god, I'm gonna figure it out hopefully! By the way thanks…"_ I said to her.

 _"_ _You're welcome!"_ She added cheerfully.

My mom had never been the encouraging, protective kind of mom, she was more concerned with other things in life than obsessing over my behavior, we used to fight a lot with each other, even if always for the good. My dad, on the other hand, was much more attached to me, even though never as much as a stereotypical _protective parent_.

As soon as I had finished my breakfast I went back to my room to sort out some cute clothes to wear and although I tried assembling something the day before I ended up with a pile of clothes arranged over my already messy bed. Eventually, I sorted out a pair of dark green skinny jeans and a floral print crop top and decided it was gonna be good enough, so I quickly put them on, added a choker along with my favorite pair of creepers and considered putting makeup on, to conceal my dark circles.

As I was trying to somehow style my hair, I started thinking about how this would have been my last year in high school, but these thoughts didn't seem to affect my mood that much and I ended up with a big lump of messy hair feeling worried about seeing again all my classmates.

As you can imagine, I wasn't really happy about going back to school, but at the same time its familiar background gave me some sort of security and _"there will be Rudy"_ I said to myself, trying to boost my confidence.

Rudy was probably my best friend in school, a total -libra- social butterfly that would be able to make friends in the middle of the amazonian rainforest, an amazingly caring and loving guy that would treat me like a daughter, literally.

In the mean time I was making my way to school in a hurry, trying to avoid being late for once.

When I finally arrived in front of the school's door I saw two of my classmates outside, Veronica and Alice. I've never really been _that_ much of a friend to them I guess, but we never openly despised one another, either, so I greeted them with a kiss and they started complimenting my appearance:

 _"_ _Oh my god, you look so skinny!"_ said Veronica in an overly excited tone.

 _"_ _That's so true! How'd you lose so much weight?"_ echoed Alice.

" _Sheer luck._ " I replied and we had a laugh together, then I decided to enter so that I could take place next to a window, my favorite spot in the classroom.

As I went into the structure, four years of my past high school life came back to memory: the same smell of dry and dusty paper, the same green walls scratched all over, the sound of people chatting in the hall, laughs, hugs and confusion, some familiar faces and some unknown ones and then, _the stairs_.

 _The stairs_ were crowded by new students confused about the location of their classroom, they would go up and down in groups and search for the door with the fatal letters attached on.

I, on the other hand, already knew where I was going so I approached _the stairs_ and went on the upper side, turned to the right and immediately found the classroom. On the door was written "5BC", indicating the year, the section and the specialization of the studying address, which was classical studies. I thought _"this is it"_ and, taking a big breath, I stepped into the room, filled with people I knew and three new girls.

I greeted those who were already there and approached one of my best friends, Donatella, to hug her after three months we didn't see each other. After a quick chat, I went back to the centre of the room where the three new girls were standing and so I introduced myself to them:

 _"_ _Hi, I'm Chiara, nice to meet you."_

 _"_ _Anna Maria, nice to meet you too_ " said a dark-skinned girl with beautiful teal eyes and blonde hair.

 _"_ _I'm Sara!"_ said another girl with black hair, feline eyes and a little mole over her lip.

 _"_ _And I'm Giada, enchantée !"_ added the last girl, shaking my hand. She was plumper than the other two, she was wearing glasses and an ugly striped cardigan which she didn't really need in the warmth of that day.

While I was talking to them, asking them about their old school and their friends here, a screaming Rudy appeared on the door and he basically started hugging everybody until he noticed me and then he hugged and kissed me, taking me up in his arms and detaching me from the ground, so I started laughing and he put me back down.

 _"_ _How are you Cihara?"_ he said excitedly, stressing my nickname.

 _"_ _I'm good Ruds, how about you?"_ I responded swiftly.

He was about to answer my question when a flood of other classmates invested us and we kept on greeting each of them patiently.

Finally everyone had taken a seat and I found myself in the back of the classroom sitting between Rudy and Donatella and, to my pleasure, just beside the window.

A warm breeze was making the dirty curtain fluctuate and stroke against my naked shoulder, while I was still intactly absorbed in my thoughts, when, suddenly, the maths' teacher came in and said:

 _"_ _Good morning and welcome back everyone."_

The whole class replied:

 _"_ _Good morning."_

And so the first lesson of the year started.

An hour later the maths' teacher was gone and we were waiting for the second lesson of the day, so, in the mean time, we were chatting in groups talking about summer, changes and exams that would have been the main concern of our scholastic journey during the year.

I was sitting on my chair talking to Rudy and Donatella, giving my back to the teacher's desk and we couldn't stop talking about our summer days:

 _"_ _You guys can't even imagine how beautiful Sweden is, I'm so happy I finally had the chance to visit, and it helped a lot with learning Swedish, I feel like I improved so much!"_ I said.

 _"_ _You're so lucky! My parents would take my brother on vacation and leave me home by myself! I didn't spend ONE DAY at the sea!"_ added Donatella.

 _"_ _Wow, your parents are cold-hearted, I'm sorry for you… I've actually gone back to Poland with my family for a week or two, it was fun, but we had to clean the house and-"_ Rudy interrupted himself and started heading back to his seat quickly, at the same time, all the other people in the classroom became quiet and I realized someone was entering the room, so I turned myself into my seat and saw.

The philosophy and history teacher had entered the room:

" _Good morning_ " he said quietly in his usual low pitched voice.

A choir of voices responded.


	2. Who remains - II

Our philosophy and history teacher, Mr. Cesec, was the classic intellectual old man. He wasn't very tall, he was incredibly skinny and had a physical problem at the leg that forced him to walk weirdly. He used to wear polo t-shirts in the summer and sweaters in winter, with his statement baggy trousers and necessarily a blazer underneath some other garments that he would usually layer on top of that, I guess to counterbalance his natural lack of body mass. He had grey short hair, almost black eyes and his facial structure was incredibly sharp and geometrically precise somehow: his cheekbones were really pronounced and his jawline was unbelievably defined, giving him a serious, _stone face_ appearance.

Mr. Cesec had been our teacher since our third year in high school and I remembered that he had been the only teacher who learned our names immediately, whereas the others failed the task. He would just stand there in his elegant posture and with wide gestures he'd start his lesson, speaking calmly, yet eloquently enough for us students to be captured by his voice.

This time wasn't going to be different.

He spread his books on the table, sitting for a moment to adjust the ensemble of his papers and then stood up and turned to the blackboard to start writing the new year's philosophy program: Kant, Hegel, Feuerbach, Kierkegaard, Marx, Nietzsche, Schopenhauer and Sartre being the highlights of the journey.

I started copying his notes on my little notebook, that had a captioned picture of Jack Sparrow on the cover, saying: _"Crazy people don't know they are crazy, I know I am crazy, therefore I am not crazy, isn't that crazy?"_ that I thought pretty much reflected the spirit of the subject in question, not before having proudly showed it to my desk mates and made them laugh at me, inevitably.

The scent of the new, untouched paper sheets and the sound of the pen scraping on them, made me feel at ease and refreshed. The new year had _now_ officially started.

While I was still copying some of the things, the teacher started talking, with a voice that I seemed to have forgotten being so silky and soothing and so I stopped writing just to pay attention to his words:

" _Well, last year we finished with Kant and his "_ Critique of Practical Reason _", so today we are going to start with one of his later works, that's to say "_ The Critique of Judgement _". This work has been firstly published in 1790 and can be also referred to as "_ The Third Critique _", because it came after his other two analysis about the pure and practical reason. The Critique of Judgment, does not have as clear a focus as the first two critiques. In broad outline, Kant sets about examining our faculty of judgment, which leads him down a number of divergent paths. While the Critique of Judgment deals with matters related to science and teleology, it is most remembered for what Kant has to say about aesthetics."_

I found myself so caught in his words like it had never happened to me.

Every now and then he would look at me in the eyes because I was one of the few people listening and smile a little, pausing his speech even just for a second.

I was feeling lightheaded and confused for my sudden fascination towards the subject, when Rudy unexpectedly distracted me from my thoughts:

" _He is sooo boring, it's the first day of school and I can't stand him already! And why does he talk so damn slowly, it makes me wanna yawn… I-_ "

" _Shhh!_ " came swiftly from Mr. Cesec. " _Shut up please Mr. Wolsten, you are distracting Ms. Simino._ "

So Rudy stayed silent for the whole lesson, but not without letting me know again how much he hated him.

As soon as the bell rang, everybody sprinted out from their seats; some people were chatting within the groups, some others were on their phones, people like me were rolling their cigarette for the break. I took a little bag out of my backpack and drew my Marlboro red tobacco, a cigarette paper and a filter out of it. While I was preparing my cigarette three of my other classmates approached me. Lara, Elisa and Alice asked me to go out and have a fag with them. Alice asked me a cigarette and I gave it to her with a little remorse, the next moment I had grabbed my lighter and we were going down the stairs together.

Alice had always looked like the most beautiful creature of the school to me, she was tall, slender, curvy in all the right places, she had green eyes, long, blond hair and a flawless complexion. Plus, she had a great smile, she was funny yet never awkward or clumsy; she always maintained a splendid elegance in her manners. She was a little bit of a bitch, though.

Lara, on the other hand, was the epitome of the angelic woman: Long, blond hair, green eyes, fair skin, a little on the shorter, plumper side and with the friendliest and most caring attitude you will ever imagine. We became closer friends during our second year in high school, she was the only one, other than Alessia, another one of our classmates, that would lend me a hand when I used to be so incredibly shy and insecure.

And I appreciated that, so much that we still remained very close to each other as friends.

Then there was Elisa. I wouldn't be able to tell if I ever hated her or liked her to this day.

She was a short girl, with a little more weight on her bones than the others, she had a dark olive colored skin tone, brown - reddish hair and brown eyes. She was definitely smart and I kinda never liked her because she wanted to take me away from Rudy since she fell for him, during our fourth year. I don't know why, but she thought that Rudy was in love with me and so started to "bully" me sometimes just to make me look bad.

To be honest, I never really cared about it for some time and I also tried to be the nicest person towards her, because she was Lara's best friend, but then, with the passing time, my _scorpio_ side began to come out and I started behaving a lot different with her. After having demonstrated my vindictive attitude, I did gain respect and so we became some sort of _frenemies._

In a climate of disguised happiness we lit up our cigarettes and started discussing over trivial things.

 _"_ _I think this summer has been one of the best of my entire life! We were in Alba, we got drunk every single night and we had so much fun! There were also lots of guys from here and they stayed with us the whole week!"_ Said Elisa.

Lara confirmed her words by adding:

" _Yes, they were also really cute_ " smiling.

As soon as she heard Lara, Alice insinuated with a loud squirm:

" _Woah, you like one of 'em, don't you?_ " laughing " _I knew it, you little crafty angel!_ "

Lara started blushing at her assumption, but tried to disprove Alice:

" _No I don't! They're just friendly guys, that's it… and they're nice and… that's it!_ "

" _And you like one of 'em, as I thought._ " repeated Alice with a sly look in her eyes.

Lara admitted her defeat with an almost inaudible: " _Maybe…_ "

At that word, we all started laughing and then the bell rang.

" _Time for other three hours"_ I thought to myself and I left the group behind to head back into the classroom.

While I was approaching _the stairs,_ I saw Mr. Cesec slowly coming down, precariously sliding his left palm over the handrail, the other arm carrying a bunch of heavy books.

We met halfway on the stairs.

He stopped there and looked at me. Faintly smiling, he asked in the sweetest voice:

 _"_ _How are you?"_

A little bit embarrassed for the unexpected question I responded shyly:

 _"_ _I'm fine, thank you for asking."_ and added a little smile.

 _"_ _I'm glad to hear that. See you tomorrow, Miss."_

 _"_ _See you tomorrow, Sir."_ I said and after he'd greeted me with another smile, I watched him rhythmically proceeding downstairs to another classroom.

" _He's so elegant."_ I thought going upstairs.


	3. Losing life's wonder - III

It was Saturday morning.

Laying in my bed with the curtains drawn, I couldn't seem to find the strength or will to properly stand up and see what was the time, so I decided to give myself a treat and stay in the comfort of my bed just a little more.

A strand of sunlight was filtrating through the curtains and created a beautifully sun-kissed, cozy atmosphere in the room.

I turned inside the warmth of my blanket, hugging my pillow.

I was having a dream before that, a dream that I just couldn't remember in that moment.

 _"_ _What was that, a man… a blue eyed man, with blonde… no… black hair and…and it had like beautiful, beautiful eyes…_ " I thought as things came back to memory.

" _I was dreaming about Matteo._ " I realized eventually.

Matteo was my " _boyfriend"_ with all the possible question marks and uncertainty of this world. We were friends, we were close friends, we were even more than friends, but yet not still ready or sure enough to be in a defined boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

We loved each other because we were so nicely united halfway through our personalities that we never had trouble communicating.

We'd met during that same summer, on June eighth, the day before his birthday.

He was at a party with some friends and I was there with one _friend_ that would rather eventually leave me alone drinking at the bar so that she could throw herself into some ugly as hell guy's arms that just happened to look welcoming enough on that particular night. I was feeling pretty depressed and I was looking at the empty glass in front of me with a sad expression. Moreover, the bartender would plague me with inappropriate questions about my sexual tastes while I tried avoiding answering them by asking more drinks whenever I felt a little bit too exposed.

Needless to say, I got drunk.

As I was already feeling pretty low, my mind slipped into a downhill of sadness and a sense of regret started evolving in me; now the loud, banging music sounded almost like in slow motion, the black and white chess floor tiles beneath my chair were intensely waving and the whole surroundings quickly became blurry.

After my first ten minutes of mind numbing depression, I finally realized that I had to go out to recover from this dangerous sense of inebriation, hoping the chilling air of the night would bring me back to sobriety, so, with all the strength and concentration I was able to rustle up, I put my hands on the deck of the bar and slowly and carefully laid my feet on the ground one at a time, trying to avoid tripping on my beautifully uncomfortable high-heeled shoes.

When I was finally standing between the deck and my chair I thought about moving:

 _"_ _Okay, now I just need to go to the door, it's not far from here, and the floor is still, it's just my imagination, alright? But I need to look fine, so no slouching allowed._ I can do this. _"_

So, with this motivational hymn in my head, I grabbed my bag and stepped towards the door.

As soon as I was outside I let out a sigh, happy about the fact that I didn't knock out anything in the process. I opened my bag and started raging my hand inside of it in need of a cigarette. I found the white package in a corner, sliding out a cigarette. _Kissing my death,_ I suddenly realized I didn't have a lighter with me:

" _Fuck._ " I said out loud.

" _Do you need one of these?_ " I heard.

I swung my head to my right side and I noticed someone who wasn't there a moment before.

I found his feet first; he was wearing a pair of black Vans and his shoes looked freakishly long compared to his stick-thin legs. Slowly looking up I watched his black jeans, when his shirt actually hit my eye: it was a bright blood red shirt made from some weird, flowing material that hung over his wide, yet skinny shoulders like it was on a coat hanger. After scanning his entire body I decided to look directly at his face, which was, conveniently, not too high up above from mine. The guy had a dimple on his chin, with a pair of incredibly thin lips; his nose was long and weirdly shaped and the whole face wasn't complete without a pair of big, dark blue eyes that had me frozen for a second.

After my first moment of startling he repeated:

" _Here, take this_."

So I eventually could notice that he was in fact handing me a red lighter.

I don't know why (or maybe I do, as I was drunk), but I took the lighter and with no hesitation I lit up the cigarette, letting my lungs fill up with smoke. Only then, I gave him his lighter back and had the courage to speak to him for the first time.

Smoking always gave me confidence.

 _"_ _Thank you, I was in need."_ I almost whispered

He took out a cigarette from the pocket of his shirt, so bright it hurt my eyes, and ignited it, covering the flame with his left hand. I looked at his freakishly long fingers and then got another draft from my fag, moving my sight away from him, then I heard his voice again:

 _"_ _Well, I am in need too. I'm pretty depressed tonight."_

 _"_ _Why?"_ I bluntly asked, the alcohol speaking for me.

 _"_ _I was supposed to celebrate my birthday at midnight, but all my friends abandoned me to get chicks… and I'm alone as fuck."_ He breathed out faintly.

 _"_ _I'm sorry for you, but I can tell you, the same thing just happened to me, so I decided to embrace the comfort of the two last legal drugs."_ I responded, rising up my left hand that was holding the cigarette.

He laughed, his voice contracting in a strange, exaggerated tone and his mouth discovering a set of crooked teeth. It was contagious.

 _"_ _So you've been drinking alone this whole time?"_ He asked, turning down his newly acquired tone.

 _"_ _Yes sir"_ I admitted briefly.

 _"_ _If you'd asked, I would have gladly joined you."_ He said with a reassuring smile.

 _"_ _But I don't even know your name! A lady needs to be introduced to their guests before having a cup of tea with them"_ I said, jokingly, immediately regretting it - _I'm still cringing at that sentence to this day._

So he responded:

 _"_ _Well, my lady, my name is Matteo, but now you gotta tell me yours."_

 _"_ _Inevitably."_ I added. _"I'm Chiara."_

And so it all started.

Matteo quickly became my best friend, my confident, my lover.

We would spend so much time together, he would play guitar for me and I'd sing old country songs, we would always go out at night, our favorite time of the day; he would drive me places only he knew, we'd sleep on the grass, on the floor of abandoned places, in fields or in his car. When we went to clubs with our friends we would always manage to sneak out and find something more interesting, more pleasing to us to do. We would have sex whenever and wherever we wanted to, we were so mutually aroused. Looking into each other's eyes was enough to light our fire.

We used to be like happy, reckless children, we would never fight or discuss over something, because we were each other's compromise. Yet, we chose to never define our relationship, we didn't want to put ourselves in a box, because we thought we'd loose our magic.

And that was what kept us together.

But then I wasn't so sure to love him anymore.

It always happened to me, to end my relationships because I had the scary thought in my mind that I wasn't free enough as long as I was n a relationship and I thought I would've changed thanks to him, because he was the wildest, freest person I'd ever met. But, turns out, it had just lasted a little longer this time.

Anyway, Matteo and I wouldn't want to let go of each other and we ended up being something in between the lines of " _friends with love and benefits"._

The memory of his bright, cobalt blue eyes in my dream made me question my subconscious thoughts. Was I missing him? We hadn't seen each other in a week or so.

Although I didn't want to leave the warm, gentle hug of my blanket, I threw it away from me, revealing my naked body to the slight chill of the early morning that was pervading the room.

I approached my phone over the bedside table, reaching to it with my fingers; pressing the home button, the device lit up violently, shrinking my pupils so fast I could feel the pain.

The display announced the time: 8:09.

It was a good time to have my first cigarette of the _new life_.

I unlocked my phone and opened the application with all my music.

As I was holding the lighter, the notes of _"Feeling Good"_ started playing.

Draft after draft I sang:

 _"…_ _stars when you shine… you know how I feel…"_

-Draft-

 _"…_ _scent of the pine …"_

-Draft-

 _"…_ _yeah FREEDOM IS MINEEE AND YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL! IT'S A NEW DAWN, IT'S A NEW DAY, IT'S A NEW LIFE FOR MEEEEEE- "_

The door squeaked.

I threw my cigarette out of the window and quickly grabbed a t-shirt, throwing it on inside out -obviously. Then, I nonchalantly laid my back to the closet, crossing my arms, looking outside the window, while the music kept playing in background.

My parents invaded the room like it was a battlefield, screwing up the whole concept of _privacy_.

 _"_ _Happy birthday!"_ They happily exclaimed in unison.

Mom was holding a tray with a cup of cappuccino and three chocolate biscuits. Other than that, there was a red, chubby candle, covered in handwritten " _happy b-day_ "s and " _18_ "s all over.

I kissed them both on the cheeks and thanked them.

 _"_ _Today we'll do whatever you want to do."_ Said dad.

 _"_ _Can we go visit Rome?"_ I asked.

 _"_ _Sure!"_ He confirmed. _"But if we want to, we'd better start getting ready. Come on, hurry up!"_

I could not imagine that desire would have been the starting point of the downfall of that day.

—

Around ten I got a message from Rudy:

"Happy birthday!

Today you're finally 18 and I can't be happier for you.

You're one of the best people I know and I wish you to have a great day as well as a great future.

I'm so glad I had the fortune to meet you in my life and I love you so much because you're always there for me. Happy birthday Cihara, you deserve it."

I smiled at the screen and my mind started analyzing every word, remembering me I wasn't that much of a great person as he described, but eventually, I started thinking about a nice reply for him.

Sending the message I was reminded I had to get dressed for the day, so I got a flowery skirt and a crop top out of my closet and I put them on. While I was lacing up my shoes, I heard my parents arguing:

"But why do we have to go to Rome today? She should stay at home, members of the family may come and visit her!" Mom seemed furious.

"It's her birthday, we'll do what she wants to do." Responded dad, with an altered tone.

"I don't… well you know what? Fuck it, I'll come with you." She added, not actually resigned.

I knew where that was going and I didn't want to cause any kind of problem, especially on that day, so I walked into the kitchen, fully dressed and makeup'd to say:

"We don't have to go to Rome, it's alright if we stay at home, too."

They looked at me without actually understanding me:

"No, we'll go to Rome." stated dad.

Mom tried to convince me with worthless words:

"But, don't you want to stay here today? Like, if people come visit and… if they want to bring you some presents… or just spend it with the whole family, we could go buy some cake, or sweets ,or…"

"She said she wanted to go to the centre today! Do you understand?" interrupted dad.

They weren't even considering what I had to say, so I surrendered:

"Okay, you two decide, then let me know, I'll be downstairs."

And I left while they kept on discussing.

I threw myself downstairs, where my grandparents had just woken up and were having breakfast.

My grandpa, Pietro, was still recovering from a mysterious disease that had affected him during the winter of 2014.

Doctors had never been able to understand the cause of his illness, or, as mom believed, they _didn't want_ to cure it in the first place. While he'd been in hospital I had to take care of my grandma, Livia, almost completely blind because of diabetes.

That period had been a black hole for the whole family, yet, we were slowly recovering.

As soon as they heard me coming down the stairs, chairs were moved in a rush; turning around the white, old, rusty kitchen door, I saw grandpa standing up quickly and smiling to me as he saw me. Grandma tried standing up to kiss me, but her knees weren't quite ready for the sudden move, so she had to sit back down on her wooden chair. I hugged them both between their _"Auguri" (basically the Italian word for happy birthday),_ and responded with kisses and " _thanks"._

Grandpa then put a hand in his shirt's pocket and dragged out some cash. 300 euros.

It was a lot of money. I felt guilty accepting it afterwards.

 _"_ _Alright, this is for your birthday. You can save it, you can spend it, do whatever you want to with it. And have fun today."_

 _"_ _Buy yourself a new pair of shoes! For winter!"_ added grandma.

I laughed:

 _"_ _Thank you, you shouldn't have, but thanks. I love you"_ I kissed them both again on the cheeks.

 _"_ _We love you too, we live for you"_ Said grandpa.

I smiled again, not knowing how to reply.

I would have never been happy without them in my life.

 _"_ _I'm glad I have you."_ I said holding in my tears.

—

The day went on in a rush and by six p.m. I was coming back home with my parents with bags full of clothes and my head full of regret; mom and dad hadn't stopped arguing for a minute and they wouldn't say a word during the whole trip.

I was trying to concentrate on music.

I asked dad to turn up the volume of the car radio just a little more. The silence flew away painlessly like a feather, and I started singing the words from "Lithium" quietly. I loved that song, but, sadly, it was almost over.

Hoping to know the next song, so that I had an excuse to sing, rather than to talk, I waited patiently for the last notes to fade out into nothing, then the radio jingle played for a few seconds and , immediately after that, a new song came up.

The crippling noise at the beginning of "Time Is Running Out", so familiar to my ears, reassured me. I was incredibly pleased to be able to listen to that song. I deserved it on such a day.

Strangely enough, the _"you will suck the life out of me"_ part of the lyrics sent my mind to a different place and as I was murmuring those words I thought about Mr. Cesec.

It hit me in a second, like an internal electric shock:

 _I don't know pretty much anything about Mr. Cesec. -_

 _What a pointless thought. -_

 _Why am I even thinking about this? -_

 _Next month there's going to be a written test. I feel it. -_

 _I wonder what he's doing right now. -_

But my internal monologue was interrupted when I realized I was traveling on my house's street and my dad was pulling over through the gate: we were home.

I got out of the car dragging my bags and almost immediately retreated inside my grandparents' kitchen to 'show them what I'd got' and eventually avoid facing my parents in some sort of discussion.

 _"_ _Heey, I'm back!"_ I exclaimed, opening the door with my elbow.

—

At eight p.m. I was in my room, changing for the dinner with my family.

I was slowly rolling a cigarette in my fingers, but my mind was far, far away from that.

In fact, my thoughts were still hovering over Mr. Cesec somehow.

Thinking about the day, I had nothing but a pile of new clothes to protect me from all the stupidity and the harms of my parents' fight. And it wasn't enough, I knew that. I knew that the days would have passed through silence only, because my parents wouldn't have wanted to talk to me.

Yet, I had only said how I felt like.

I was thinking about Mr. Cesec, I was thinking about his words; looking at him, looking in his eyes, you could only see emptiness, coldness, even loneliness at times, but whenever he did say something, the whole world could disappear inside a black hole, because he spoke the truth, he _always_ spoke the truth.

He was just so sincere.

And I wished I was like him.


	4. Conforming on a Monday - IV

Weeks later and I was barely keeping up with the programs in school. I wasn't that great at studying in advance and my friends seemed like they were only concerned about getting the best grades in every subject. I couldn't be bothered.

That morning walking outside the air was feeling a lot colder. It was at the start of October and the sky was politely asking to rain. I tried to hide my neck underneath my scarf as best as I could, but my frozen hands were immediately begging for mercy, so I stuffed them back inside the pockets of my jacket. Walking on the pavement, I had just overpassed the graveyard next my house and I was about to walk the last few hundreds of meters to the school. I looked up and the wind cut my eyes like a sword; there were no more than two people ahead of me. I checked the time on my phone: 7:48 a.m. .

No wonder it was so bare and desolated, I, for once, wasn't late.

Thinking quickly, I decided that the front porch of the school structure would have been good enough to repair me from the swirling wind of that chilly morning, so, with all the strength I could have had on a Wednesday, I sped up my walking and eventually, reached for the porch.

That porch could have been the visual representation of the whole school: grey, dirty, covered in markers writings and… even more grey.

It had a special way of reminding you that, no matter what, after having trespassed that door you would only have found either sadness or boredom, but to me it said _reassurance_.

I tried to open the door, but it was still locked, so I checked the time once more. 7:50.

I would have had to wait at least ten more minutes, so I turned up the volume on my phone while my earphones kept on playing the last part of _November Rain_ by Guns 'n' Roses.

I laid my back flat against one of the walls to keep myself the warmest I could and in the meantime, I searched my pockets for a cigarette and a lighter. Once I'd found them, I grabbed them and clicked the button over the filter to choose the best flavor for the morning.

Then, I lit the cigarette and took a minty draft off of it.

It was all better now.

As the flame from the lighter had given me a little bit of warmth for my fingers to recover, I kept turning it on like a Little Matchgirl on a bad day and every time a gust of wind put down the weak flame, I would ignite it again.

I was so into this stupid game that I forgot to be in a public (even though isolated) place and that the music was taking its toll on me.

Then _November Rain_ ended and _Time is Running Out_ came up.

I chilled out a bit.

I was observing the smoke that was coming from my cigarette while listening to that song. The smoke had a way of diffusing in the cold air that was incredibly charming and hypnotic.

I could have stayed like that for hours, contemplating the meaning of life in front of fog swirls.

I was suddenly brought back by the feeling of a presence.

I removed my earphones to catch some noise when:

 _"_ _Good morning, Miss. I see you tried to be early today."_

I noticed that Mr. Cesec was approaching me slowly.

On that particular day he was drowning inside his scarf, covered in so many layers of clothing that he almost looked _not skinny._ He had a grey, thick coat on that showed only the bottom part of his legs, wrapped inside the _statement baggy trousers_. At his foot a pair of sneakers, grey as well and a burgundy beanie on top of his head.

His fashion sense didn't quite reflect the trend.

I tried to reply after I got another draft:

 _"_ _Good morning, professor… well, I wasn't actually trying, but now I'll have to be waiting out here , because the door is still locked…"_

 _"_ _Is it?"_ He added.

I just nodded in response.

 _"_ _Oh, well, at least today I'm not the only one waiting outside."_ He said with a smile. Then he put his hands in his pockets and he took out a cigarette.

Red Benson & Hedges.

' _He smokes those, then_.' I thought.

 _"_ _Hopefully, you're not the only one smoking too, Miss…"_ He added while he kept on fidgeting with his hands inside his pockets.

Understanding his struggle, I gave to him the lighter I still had in my hand without saying a word. He immediately stopped searching, moved his eyes into mine and lit up the cigarette, still looking at me.

His eyes had always had a strange effect on me.

I remembered the first day he came to our class, I was convinced he was a bad teacher, because I looked at his eyes and they seemed so fierce to me that I was scared.

The truth was, that first day I had only looked _at_ his eyes, not _into_.

Now, his eyes made me feel uncomfortable, but I would've never shown that to him, because I was too proud.

Whenever our eyes met, I would start worrying, worrying about something wrong that I might have that could make me object of judgement from others. I felt naked and unprotected in front of him, as if I was a piece of paper in the palm of his hand and he could have destroyed me anytime.

At the same time, though, his glance was able to give me a feeling of security and protection that I had never experienced before. This drove me insane.

 _"_ _Thank you. And… I'm not the kind of person to usually mind others' business, but… you really shouldn't smoke, Chiara. I wouldn't want to ruin that pleasant complexion of yours… You know, women from all different eras would be envious of you."_ He finally said.

' _Completely unexpected.'_

 _'_ _We're alone.'_

 _'_ _But did he just compliment my skin?'_

When I finally had the courage to reply, I challenged his eyes once again and said:

 _"_ _Well, that's a phrase I'd expect from a history teacher."_

We both laughed and after that, I didn't feel that _small_ anymore.

—

That evening I was going to the cafe with Francesca, one of my best friends.

We'd met during elementary school and we both shared a passion for animals, rather than Barbies. We were both tomboys and we had our own group of interests that included witches, alcohol (yeah, weird, I know), animals and creepy stuff.

After elementary school had ended our friendship got lost in translation and I contacted her again only on June, 2015, when we started being as close as we were before, as if time hadn't passed.

She was short, plump and had a pair of piercing green eyes, she wore a lot of black, just like me and she was the funniest, less sophisticated girl I've ever known.

We had a lot to discuss that afternoon.

She knew Rudy as well, his birthday was coming up soon and we needed to be prepared for the event:

 _"_ _What're you gonna wear?"_ She bluntly asked.

 _"_ _I don't know, I have this dress I found thrifting, it's from Betsey Johnson and it has a Tim Burton feel to it, so maybe…"_

 _"_ _Ooooh! Tim Burton! If you'll look like Helena Bonham-Carter, I absolutely dig that!"_ She interrupted.

I laughed, but then she stopped me:

 _"_ _Hey, by the way, you're, like, Rudy's closest friend and… I need to know one thing about him."_

 _"_ _Hit me with your best shot."_ I said.

 _"_ _Okay… well, do you know if he's into girls or guys?"_ She briefly asked.

That was an issue.

Rudy was the sweetest guy you could imagine: he was nice, caring, down to earth, social and a little too insecure about himself considering he was so precious.

He had an interesting life story behind his back; when he was three years old his mother with his new born sister traveled all the way from Poland to Italy to save them from a bad situation and the two kids grew up in a minuscule village in my same province. We didn't become friends until our third year in high school and it was during that period of time that I could see how brilliant and how good he was. Then, that same year he came out to me as gay and I believed him. I didn't tell his secret to anybody, as he wished, but the rumor still spread around like the plague. He didn't seem to care when I said to him that everybody asked me questions about his sexuality, but the thing was, I wasn't going to respond others, because it wasn't my business after all. Anyway, life went on and the next year, people seemed to have already forgotten about it. But then, one faithful night, precisely the night between the fourth and the fifth of January, 2015, when all our classmates were at a birthday party, I ended up pretty much drunk, let's not say blackout level, but just a step behind.

So, during that party, Rudy behaved like the sweetest boyfriend to me: he took my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine, he caressed me, complimented me and at some point he asked for a kiss. We were on the back yard of the restaurant, it was completely dark and I'd sat over some sort of balcony, while he was facing me. I was messing around as every drunk person ever, talking dumb shit and singing regretfully. At some point he cupped my cheek with one of his hands and started asking me if he could actually kiss me. I, laughing at the idea, turned my eyes down because I wasn't sure if he was being serious or not, but when he went for it, I had to actually turn my whole head to the side to avoid collision.

After this episode, things between us became a little different, because I thought he'd lied to me about his sexuality and I actually had an argument with him around the month of April, which reinforced our friendship. Then, things came back to normality and even though he didn't say it to me, I assumed he was bisexual. But something happened again.

On another classmate's birthday party, later that year, specifically on the night between the thirtieth and the thirty-first of May, my more-than-blackout level of drunk actually led us to a real, first kiss.

After that night we never talked about it, and even though I fully remembered it, I'd still have the alcohol excuse.

I told the whole story to Francesca, but her reply was quite disappointing:

 _"_ _He likes you!"_

Which was something that I had to convince her take back.


	5. It'll be fine - V

Tuesday, 13th October, 2015.

I was heading to school, like every other day, when I got a call.

The name on the screen announced it for me:

 _"_ _Rudy?"_

 _"_ _Hey, good morning! I just wanted to tell you, as today's my birthday, I was thinking, what if we skip school and go to the cinema? There's this early morning projection in Rome which is only three euros! What do you say?_ "

He was speaking frantically, as if he'd just came back from a run, and his words were unusually charming, offering me something I had yet to discover.

As always, contrasting feelings started creeping inside my head:

 _I don't really feel like it. -_

 _There's going to be his friends too. -_

 _I don't want to go. -_

 _But it's Rudy's birthday, come on, he's eighteen today, do it for him. -_

 _"_ _Uhm, yeah, I guess it's okay…"_ I finally replied.

 _"_ _Great! You've got to hurry up then, we're on the bus to the station already, I'm gonna stop it as long as I can, but you have to…"_

 _"_ _Coming."_ I hung up, interrupting him.

As I was reaching for the bus stop of the school, I put on the hood of my jacket, my hands inside my pockets, trying to get out one of the few last cigarettes I had. I wouldn't have had time to smoke, unless I had done it down the street, so I lit it up and kept going.

The bus was still.

Many people were still coming down of it and the driver decided it would have been best if he stopped the engine and took a cigarette pause before completing his tour.

He approached me with nonchalance:

 _"_ _Hey baby girl, I think your ass looks fine in those pants, fancy a grope or two?"_

Disgusted, I quickly thought about trying to flip things to my advantage, so I replied:

 _"_ _Nope, I'm good, but maybe I could fancy one if you let me get on the bus without a ticket…"_

The bus driver looked a bit startled at first, but then he managed to spit out a response:

 _"_ _Well, I… wasn't really expecting that, but… how old are you anyway?"_

 _"_ _Seventeen"_ I confidently lied.

 _"_ _I think you can get on… this time… but… don't say a word, alright?"_

He added in a frightened tone.

 _"_ _Okay, thanks!"_ I said, cutting the conversation by throwing away the leftovers of my cigarette and quickly going up the bus stairs, leaving the driver alone in his misery.

I'd won again. My manners were always _so_ persuasive.

Once on the bus, there was a single group of people sitting on the left side. There, Rudy and three other girls were happily chatting. I went closer to the group, and when Rudy finally had recognized me, he stood up to greet me.

 _"_ _Happy birthday!"_ I said cheerfully.

 _"_ _Aww, thanks Ciharaaa!"_ He shouted, coming to hug me and overusing my nickname, as usual.

 _"_ _By the way, let me introduce you to my friends here…"_

God knows I didn't want to.

 _"_ _Hi."_ I simply said.

 _"_ _So this is Luna…"_ he pointed to me a chubby girl, with short red hair and luscious lips, her eyes almost looked yellow. She was really pretty.

 _"_ _Hello!"_ She smiled.

 _"…_ _This is Olga…"_ showing me a blonde, tall girl with blue eyes and a pointy nose. She looked like she could have been his long lost sister… or his soulmate.

 _"_ _Hey."_ She quietly said. She seemed a little bit shy.

 _"…_ _And last, but not least, Eva."_ He added, introducing another blue eyed girl, with long, blond, curly hair and the happiest, most radiant smile on this planet.

 _"_ _HIIIIIIIIIII!"_ She squealed inside a laugh.

That noise drag a laugh out of me as well and I felt a little more at ease, so I said:

 _"_ _I'm Chiara, by the way, nice to meet you all."_

 _"_ _We know your name, Rudy talks about you ALL the time! HAHAHA!"_ Responded loudly Eva.

This was going to be such a day.

—

It was 1:00 p.m.

The others had left to avoid being late home and me and Rudy were alone. His birthday didn't really go as planned: he wanted to watch a movie, but a random guy he knew showed up and stole all the consideration from the actual day, bringing Rudy's girl friends' attentions along. They were all so focused on this _Mr. Fuckboy McDouche_ that they even forgot there was a birthday to celebrate. Rudy not only had to carry this guy inside a shopping cart so that he could sell his tickets for a party he was hosting, but he also had to witness him continuously brag about himself. He started bugging me as well; he began flirting with me and he also told me he was a leo, which, really, is not my kind of match. Anyway, I liked the fact that he was giving me attention, even though he was a total douchebag, because I had at least someone who talked to me, considering Rudy was quite upset, whereas his friends probably hated me already. So, when _Mr. Fuckboy McDouche_ decided it was time to go, not without getting my number first, and Luna, Eva and Olga had retreated over some bus headed home, I was left with an unhappy Rudy to deal with.

 _"_ _I'm sorry."_ I said to him.

 _"_ _What? Why?"_ He replied, trying to hide the implicit sadness in his words with one of his nicest smiles.

He was such a good person. He would never say he was feeling bad if it could ruin someone else's mood.

 _"_ _I'm sorry it didn't go as planned. I know it's your birthday and we shouldn't have shifted the attention from you to another person, considering how much of a megalomaniac you are…"_

He laughed at my assumption.

 _"…_ _but no, Rudy, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that you can't spend some more time with your friends and that we had to wait for that guy to leave and… I want to make this up to you, for real."_

 _"_ _It's okay, because I only care about the people who stay. And you stayed. This means you're the most important person I could have spent my birthday with, I could not be happier now that we're alone."_ He said.

It warmed my heart and my face automatically responded with a smile.

 _"_ _So, now we need to go eat something and there's this Swedish restaurant just there, which is calling our names. Are you coming?"_

He had brightened up suddenly. Eating always put him in a good mood.

 _"_ _I'm all the way in, of course."_ I added.

We headed to the restaurant.

The indoor space was modern, but cozy at the same time and there were these weird, tall tables with the highest stools I'd ever seen in my life.

We chose the table next to the window that offered a beautiful view of the green surrounding spaces, with trees, lakes and an infinite carpet of multicolored flowers. This place looked like it wasn't in the city centre of the capital at all. We read our menus, but Rudy was incredibly fond of the meatballs, that were apparently _so great they'd make you want to die (and I quote),_ so I decided to follow the stereotype and chose them out of the other options. Rudy also wanted to check out the Swedish beer they served, to make sure that yes, it was his eighteenth birthday we were celebrating. Then our plates arrived and we ate peacefully, like it was supposed to be in the first place. I remember being very happy in that moment. I was happy to have a friend like him that was constantly holding my hand through the good and the bad. I was happy and I couldn't understand how he could manage to stand me, my mood swings, my bad behavior and all my negative sides, when all I ever gave him was treating him normally. I was happy that he was happy on that day and I didn't care if that kind of happiness wouldn't have been the centre of my life, because I knew, at least for an hour, that it had been the centre of his.


	6. Sense of elation - VI

It was a normal day at school, except for the fact that something had changed.

I'll tell you what happened, we used to have this group chat over on Whatsapp, it was a classmates group, we all were on it. Now, the thing is, this group chat didn't actually exclusively dealt with homework issues or studying, we would use it to write whatever came to our mind. This, of course implied that everyone was allowed to write, or send pictures about whatever they wanted, including, usually from guys, some pictures or videos with a sexual content. Don't get me wrong, the chat group wasn't meant for sending pics of us naked or whatever, but mostly for sexual humour related topics, that's to say jokes or even videos that had a not definitely orthodox content. Sometimes we were used to guys sending funny jokes about genitals, sex or porn even, but it wasn't really that big of a deal. Until that day.

Apparently, Rudy, the day before his birthday sent a funny picture to our chat group. The image was cropped in such a way that only by fully opening it, you could see a dick.

That was, of course, meant to be funny and basically everybody laughed at that. Then, the day after Rudy's birthday, at school, I realized that someone couldn't appreciate that kind of dirty humour.

It was barely 8:20 a.m. and Rudy was already in the classroom. He had his face red, buried in his phone, and disappointment was dripping down his eyes.

I approached him, thinking he was just in a classic libra-mood-swing-phase, and greeted him:

 _"_ _Good morning papi!"_ I cheerfully said.

 _"_ _You can't even imagine what happened…"_ His response, followed by one of his sad smiles.

I started worrying.

 _"_ _What did you do?"_ I asked, assuming he would be whatsoever responsible for his bad mood.

And he started talking.

He started telling me about the fact that he was on the bus, like every morning, and then he'd receive a call from Donatella. He replied, happy to hear from her, when he heard another person's voice: it was actually her father. As every other nice person would have done, he politely said good morning to him and said sorry for having mistaken him for his daughter. The thing is, this guy wasn't having a good morning at all, and he was just calling to say that he saw the picture he'd sent on the group chat, and that he was happy that Rudy had just turned legal of age, so that now , he could sue him for that. Then he had added a final quote: _"Welcome to the world of adults."_ and hung up.

I was speechless.

Now, there's a little disclaimer I should include. Donatella was actually adopted. She had lived in an orphanage with his little brother up until she was 16, the time when she started being "taken care" from these two people. Her adoptive mother was American, she had been married to an Italian man for a long time and then she left him for Giulio, Donatella's adoptive father. The thing is, these two didn't actually, legally adopted her straight away, they waited up until she became 18, while in the meantime they had adopted his little brother, Dario. They were usually strict; they'd never let them go to parties, nor buy new clothes, except for special occasions and they weren't allowed to use their phones during the entire school day, not even when it was break time. Now, as Donatella was a year older than us, at the time of these events she was not only legal of age in Italy and so legally enabled to take decisions from herself, but she was actually 19 years old.

Me and Rudy started thinking that she wouldn't know about anything, and that Giulio had done all of this without telling her, behind her back, so I advised Rudy, telling him to wait to talk to her to try to understand everything a little better. He felt relieved and we both decided we would have waited for her to come back to school the next day to give us a clear explanation.

In the mean time, it was the philosophy hour.

I had been waiting for that day for an entire week. It was the correction day, when Mr. Cesec would have brought us back our corrected papers from the test we'd taken on the former week. I was feeling incredibly anxious for some reason; he had given us a comprehension of an essay from an Italian philosopher, and everybody was unbelievably scared about it, because it was, apparently, indecipherable. I must say, Mr. Cesec had always been a good teacher, but his tests were never _that_ easy. That was if you were regular on studying. I, for that matter, was not so diligent. Let's just say he was a peculiar teacher, his main concern were our questions, our doubts. He couldn't appreciate more his lessons being interrupted just to ask a question. At the same time, though, he valued intelligence, so if, for example, somebody would interrupt to ask an obviously stupid question, he would gladly, very gladly, sarcastically respond. He could be funny sometimes, in his own, clever way. Having spent my entire life with people his age, I always knew when he was making a joke about something, so I would laugh with him, and that was the one thing that only I could do better than anyone else in our class.

Ten minutes had already passed since the first bell rang, and it seemed like he was nowhere to be seen still. So I decided to go downstairs to grab a quick coffee at the vending machine. Rudy told me to wait for him, so I did. We ran downstairs and carefully extracted the hot plastic cups from the machine, drinking from them straight away. I had my dear, dark, unsweetened coffee, boiling hot, that had always reassured me and warmed me up, while Rudy was drinking his five thousand calories sugared cappuccino. As soon as he had taken his first sip, I went upstairs again, stealing him a choked "Wait!", I was so worried for the test. He caught up with me, and when I was in front of the classroom door, I saw Mr. Cesec adjusting his books and papers and notebooks and pens and even more books and papers on his table, so, with the last sip of coffee still in my cup, took a deep breath, and went inside.

 _"_ _Good morning."_ I said quietly, walking quickly past his face, drifting off to my seat.

 _"_ _Good morning, Miss."_ He replied.

I noticed he was staring at my feet.

As I was at my desk, I sat on my chair and placed my almost empty cup of coffee behind my pencil case. I couldn't entirely finish my beloved beverage, but at least I had enough to carry on with the day.

In that same moment, Rudy walked inside the room, drinking the cappuccino still in his hands and basically screaming at me:

 _"_ _Chiaraaaa I told you to wait for me!"_

As soon as he realized Mr. Cesec had actually arrived, he froze.

 _"_ _Oops, I mean… good morning teacher."_ The words escaped his lips in confusion and embarrassment.

No reply from Mr. Cesec.

Rudy came back to his seat, while I was still trying to ignore him to avoid bursting into a laugh.

As soon as he'd taken place next to my right side, he looked at me with one of his disappointed faces, so I coyly smiled, silently asking for forgiveness. He seemed to appreciate the effort, so he slowly started to turn his face away from mine, letting out a sigh and reaching for the cup he had placed over his desk, taking a sip.

Unexpectedly, the voice of Mr. Cesec resonated through the classroom:

 _"_ _Mr. Wolsten, I'm sorry if I'm about to interrupt your relax moment with my lesson, but I'd be more than happy if you could go finish your drink outside and come back only when you're done and if you are interested. Thanks."_ His words were sharp and cold.

 _"_ _I'm sorry… but"_ Rudy tried to argue.

 _"_ _Go on."_ He firmly interrupted.

His voice had never been harsher.

I didn't know why, he had angrily reproached Rudy for something we'd both done.

I was sorry for him.

Without further hesitation, Rudy stood up in silence and walked up right next to where Mr. Cesec was standing, he turned to the bin and threw away the cup with the leftover cappuccino, then went back to his place and sat down without saying a word.

Mr. Cesec fiercely walked to his chair, and sighing, he took place behind his desk. Then, he wore his glasses and without any introductions he started calling names in his usual, calm and sober tone.

In the meantime, me and Rudy were waiting for our names to be heard, and while we were waiting, every now and then, we would make stupid jokes about our scholastic career, now completely at its worst.

We kept on chatting quietly, to try and avoid upsetting Mr. Cesec, who seemed to be already a little mad that morning.

Suddenly, Rudy got called:

 _"_ _Wish me luck."_ He whispered to me before standing up.

I tried to reassure him with a smile, and he seemed to acquire a small hint of confidence to actually head towards Mr. Cesec and face him.

I was left waiting alone at my desk, so I took a book out of my bag and started reading.

After five minutes, my reading was interrupted by Rudy coming back next to me; with an incredibly sad and shook appearance, he fell into his chair without saying anything.

I left my book behind, and asked him what happened, trying to understand his sudden sadness.

His reply was more than I'd ever expected:

 _"_ _You don't know Chia'! He basically colored my whole paper in red! He put an 'x' over all the questions! Is it possible that I've done this bad? I'm sure he hates me! How will I tell mom about the result? He gave me a four!"_

The fact that he got a four out of ten valuation in October wasn't that serious; with a good effort he would have been able to catch up and get nice grades for January, when our first pentamestre ended. I tried to make him feel relieved, telling him Mr. Cesec didn't hate him, and that the grade wasn't the only important result, that at least he tried, and yada, yada, yada. He wasn't listening at all. He always had that voice inside of his head that was telling him it wasn't good enough. That he wasn't good enough.

I kept comforting him, but even I, wasn't good enough for that. I felt sorry for him.

—

Mr. Cesec had called out almost everybody, I was between the last two corrections and I was sweating it out.

 _-Come on, come on call me.-_

 _"_ _Giovannelli."_

 _-Fuck! I'm the last one!-_

Carla Giovannelli stood up and clumsily moved towards the desk; she sat down, she looked like she was internally freaking out.

 _-I feel you…-_ I thought.

Five more minutes and it would have been my turn. I decided to stand up to go to the toilet, fresh air would've helped, but my anxiety level was too high and I didn't feel brave enough to go out.

I would have waited.

Finally, Carla came back to her seat and when she told us she got a four, like the majority of the class, that was the breaking point. The pressure was killing me, I tried to think positive when…

 _"_ _Ms. Chiara, come here."_

He had said it.

A rush of blood went from my head straight to my feet when I stood up. My knees were weak and I thought I could faint. My heartbeat sped up, like after running a marathon, and I started praying to god to help me reach the chair next to Mr. Cesec.

The following steps were filled with uncertainty, as I was walking past the other desks in the room.

Mr. Cesec was looking at me.

He looked at my legs, then into my eyes, then back at my legs. It was like he could feel my weakness.

I was looking back at him.

I was staring into his eyes like they were my only support, as if I looked to any other direction I would fall.

It felt like it took me ages to arrive in front of him. I stopped before his eyes, waiting for him to tell me something, anything, I was feeling cold.

 _"_ _Please, take a seat."_ He said with a smile.

Was he trying to _reassure_ me?

I felt comfort when the chair started supporting my weight; my legs were like gelatin in that moment. My hands had become freezing and transparent, so much that I could look at my own bluish veins through my skin. Plus, I was trembling.

I didn't know what to think, nothing similar had ever happened to me before, not even when I had to look at my maths' teacher corrected tests. Yet, I was so elated.

I rested my shaky hands on Mr. Cesec's papers, not realizing he had his books underneath them.

When I finally turned my face to him, I saw he'd been looking at me the entire time and I felt ten times more scared. Also I was too close to him, I could smell his aftershave.

For one, endless moment we were lost in the sight of each other.

His skin looked warm and I was able to see all the little wrinkles on his face; around his mouth, around his eyes, across his forehead. His thin lips were imperceptibly, slightly curved in a subtle smirk, asking for something I still didn't know about. His perfume was hugging and relaxing as I breathed in, I was feeling his essence.

And then, there were his eyes. I could not escape the depths of his eyes, they were sucking me in and I wasn't able to fight, I wasn't able to break the eye contact, I couldn't even blink, I was so tied up in a glance.

He broke the silence.

 _"_ _Your hands are shaking."_ He whispered.

I quickly cast a glance over the class. Everybody was so busy crying about their results that nobody was paying attention to us.

I thought he must have noticed.

He gently took my right hand away from the desk and placed it between his.

His long, skinny fingers wrapped around my hand and their warmth started dissipating from him to me.

I could feel the details of his palms when my fingers started insinuating through the spaces between his, intertwining my right one to his left hand.

 _-What am I doing?-_

My thoughts of fear about being inappropriate were interrupted when he quietly asked:

 _"_ _You're so cold, are you sure you feel alright?"_ Genuine concern pictured on his face.

 _-I'm not alright.-_

I nodded.

He smiled, relieved, and placed my hand back on my knee, giving me chills when he accidentally brushed his knuckles against my thigh in the process of taking back his hands.

He started talking:

 _"_ _So, Ms. Chiara, I have to say I wasn't really expecting this result from you…"_

My fear came back tenfold.

 _"…_ _But you really surprised me this time."_ He finished.

 _-What?-_

He opened the sheet I had written, there was one, single red sign.

 _"_ _See, the only imprecision in the whole test is this one, but it's a minor one. You made him write his work two years later than he actually did, the problem is he was already exile on that date. Other than this, great job, you were the best one in the class. you should keep doing this good, always. I know you can."_

I couldn't believe it. A nine out of ten.

I can't remember what I said after, if I'd even say anything at all, what I do remember, though, is that I hadn't feel that happy in such a long time.

 _I was happy._


	7. Escape - VII

It was late.

I had been turning in bed for almost an hour, yet my eyes still didn't want to close.

My mind was crowded by too many thoughts and my body was pervaded by a sense of impotence. I was concerned for the whole situation we had going on with Donatella; it was tearing our class apart. His dad asked our school principal for a teacher, students and parents reunion, to discuss what had happened to his daughter, even though his convocation had to remain "secret", so that we didn't know what we would be talking about. Thankfully, our science teacher decided to inform us on the topics, helping us at least on being prepared.

But I wasn't satisfied with that. I knew deep down that the delicate equilibrium of our scholastic environment would have been destroyed by the end of the year. There wasn't a real overall bonding, and I was convinced that after the reunion our "group" would have ended up shattered and unfixable.

I thought I was in need of some sleep, so I shut my eyes trying to forget.

Holding onto my pillow, I sang a song inside my head:

 _-Talk to me softly,_

 _there is something in your eyes,_

 _don't hang your head in sorrow,_

 _and please don't cry-_

That lullaby was all over the room, and after a few more verses, I was finally asleep.

—

I was going out, it was break time and I couldn't contain myself.

I had taken four coffees throughout the morning and now I was ready to run a marathon. I flew outside the school, like never before, and I placed my back against one of the walls surrounding the entrance. I took one cigarette between my two fingers and lit it up, dropping a little burning spec over the back of my hand. I was waiting for Rudy to come out, because he'd begged me to leave a fag out for him as well, and in the meantime I was frantically dusting off my cigarette, causing it to bend a little.

When Rudy finally exited the door, he immediately recognized my slouchy figure attached to the wall and so he approached me, putting his sunglasses on in his usual, spotlight seeker way.

I promptly handed him his cigarette, nerves popping out of my flesh, he took it and asked for my lighter.

I turned to my left and threw it at him; he caught it with enough elegance and smiled at me with the cigarette still between his lips. The sides of his mouth curled up vehemently, showing his perfect set of teeth. I suddenly smiled back at him, as if it were contagious.

We started talking, but our conversation remained on a superficial level.

We weren't in the mood for going too deep; our thoughts were wandering silently through our minds, but they didn't feel like coming out. Yet.

We remained quiet for a while, letting the smoke dissolve in the cold air.

I was about to speak again, when, suddenly, a strong noise forced me to turn around and I noticed a blue Ford rushing through the school's parking lot.

The car harshly stopped and a scrawny down to the bone guy, with gaunt cheeks and big staring eyes came out of it.

Matteo, wrapped in a black long coat and a wool scarf, was confidently walking towards me, putting on a big, crooked smile as soon as he recognized me.

He was coming to meet me as if I hadn't seen him in ages.

As soon as he was standing right in front of me, his grin turned into a sweet smile and, without further explanation, he grabbed my chin and intensely kissed me, making me drop the cigarette from my hand in awe.

That was one of those kisses that you can only dream of until you actually get one. I literally wanted to jump on him and leave everything behind my shoulders; in that moment I couldn't permit anything stopping us from having each other. He lit my fire.

He pulled away from me, even though we didn't get enough, and looked down at me with the same, sly smile. He then noticed Rudy was staring at us and, referring to the cigarette I had just thrown to the ground because of his rush, he said:

"I'm glad you're quitting smoking for me… wanna share one?"

And he handed me another cigarette from his silver cigar holder.

I had no idea how he could possibly own anything like that; his taste was always incredibly peculiar, not to say, weird.

His eyes were coruscating with a supernatural sparkle, as if he'd just done something very exciting, the artificial blue of his irises sharply shining in they grey atmosphere.

When I was finally able to rehabilitate myself from his glance, I could notice all the people around staring at us, including Rudy. I tried to get us away:

"Matteo, why don't we go have a walk as we smoke in the meantime?"

"Sure." He briefly replied.

He was always down to escape with me.

Suddenly, though, Rudy grabbed my wrist:

"Hey, where are you going?" He asked.

"I actually really need to talk to him right now."

I tried to avoid the question.

"Yeah but, can't you do it here? And by the way, who is him?"

The questions were multiplied.

Before I could speak, Matteo stepped in front of me:

"I'm Matteo. And your name is…?"

"Rudy."

No 'nice to meet you', no smiles were exchanged and I didn't know what was happening.

I had never seen their aggressive side before, it was all new to me.

Matteo took me by the hand and brought me away from Rudy, directing towards him a winning smile, not before leaving him with a bare "See ya".

I was still shocked by his behavior while we were walking around school.

First, I wasn't expecting his visit, second, I could not have expected his kiss, third, I wasn't expecting he wouldn't like my best friend.

Anyway, my thoughts remained unspoken when he begun talking:

" I came here to ask you something, but I don't know if you'd ever agree. I know you're going to say no, but maybe you still like me enough to do it."

"Just say it Matt."

"I want you to sing. In public."

"Oh hell no! You know what happened last time and I don't want it to happen ever again in my life. I am meaningless enough in this life, I don't wanna become miserable."

"Please, I'm begging you. It's really important."

"How important?"

"Really."

"What even is it for and why me? I'm not that good."

"It's for something I've been planning for a long time, I need you to be in it. Your voice is what gives voice to my music, if you're not singing, I won't even do it anymore, I don't care.

But please, please, please, before saying no again, listen to it."

He handed me a CD with my name written on it in black sharpie.

I could recognize his handwriting, pointy and elongated, kinda like him.

Thinking about his words, I let out a response:

"Okay, fine, I'll listen to it, but it's still a no for now."

He smiled.

"Thanks. I've been missing you. A lot."

"Me too _Matty_."

His expression didn't look so serious anymore:

"No, not Matty please, anything but Matty!"

I started mocking him:

"Oh I love you so _Matty_! You're so cute _Matty_!"

"Shut up!"

He grabbed me by my waist and kissed me in the school's parking lot. I thought it was spring all of a sudden; I felt sun rays kissing me with him and the cold disappeared instantly. He was taking me away, melting me in the air, turning me into air. I was nothing other than free in that moment. I was nothing other than free with him, thanks to him.

He was the wind and I was helpless dust. I couldn't let go.

—

Home, finally.

Nothing was going to plan for lunch, so I decided not having spaghetti for once wouldn't have killed me.

My room was cold and empty, and I wanted some time by myself, so I closed the bedroom door and opened the window, sat on the window sill and lit a cigarette. Outside the sky was changing its colors into those of a sunset; it was only 3 p.m., but the incoming winter was already playing on the days' length.

Watching the spectacular view made me think about summer again.

 _Le notti a Rimini_ kept playing inside my head.

The nights in Rimini. Flashbacks. Over and over again.

I realized that I had never forgotten anything ever, and that I was living on memories.

My mind went places.

Dark, then brighter memories peaked slowly at the back of my eyes. I felt sad, bitter, knowing that I'd lost all of that together with my past.

When I came back to real life, it was time for me to actually put material effort in some kind of activity, so I chose to start studying.

A philosophy paper was due the next day, so I opened the book.

While doing so, my eyes fell on a random page: "Quotes by Sigmund Freud"

I looked at the first quote. It said, written in italic:

 _"_ _Nothing that is mentally our own can ever be lost."_


End file.
